I’m dedicating this post to my parents, friends and the faculty of UTAR.

Most people would say the easiest life is the life in a University. When I started my first week in UTAR, I thought so as well. There were friends and most of all freedom. Freedom which I’ve never experience any time in my life. I have the liberty to choose and manage my own time, whether to study or play depends solely on my decision and MINE alone. Not to be influenced by parents or other obligations…..

I’m sorry to say that during these prime seven weeks in University, I have not used my time wisely. NO! I should say I have not used my time as wise as I was at home! I have been idle in work, choosing to relax and enjoy life rather than carrying out the responsibilities a University should do. Procrastination has made a nest in my life, robbing me of the will to excel.

To blame my friends would be blatantly WRONG. But to say their influence has not affect me the slightest would be an obvious lie. YES, indeed I have found friends here in UTAR. In fact I’ve found different types of friends here. I’ve found casual friends who could chat over a cup of coffee. To my surprise, I’ve also found friends who could share secrets with.

The time spent with friends here has made a very happy me indeed. We’ve shared memorable moments even though we are newly acquainted. I’m also glad indeed to have found friends that understand my plights and fears, to be able to share and also keep secrets.

However, during these few days, I found out I’m under-productive due to the excess time spent with them. Moreover, the coming of the mid-term examinations doesn’t help either. I’m stressed out by both peer pressure and examinations at the same time. My friends require constant time spent with them but at the same time I have obligations to fulfill. My obligations towards my parents, towards UTAR which was kind enough to give me a scholarship and also to myself…….

Hence, I chose the only path that I know- escape from all of it……

Since Tuesday I’ve been isolating myself from them.

No longer having lunch or dinner with them…..

No longer chatting with them during the free periods between lectures…..

No longer sharing myself with them…….

I’ve been keeping myself inside the library in a corner, revising my studies as well as finishing my tutorial homework. This is where I found out how the free periods could be such productive for me.

Usually escaping into my own world, loneliness often consumes my heart with cold and darkness that freezes the very pit of my stomach.

However, this time it differs from previous experiences of mine. For the very first time I felt I’m glad to be alone. A sense of pride and achievement flares up like a burning torch inside of me. As I walked alone on a less treaded path to one of the lecture halls today, my head was held high and I walked alone but proudly.

As I went in and sat on a desk-alone, I stare up searching for my friends. They were sitting together talking and having fun. At that moment I was flushed with envy. Sudden guilt and shame for feeling proud previously consumes me.

I feel as If I’m living in a world of my own but in reality I’m not. I’m only stupidly hiding myself-afraid of the truth that I’m a miniscule character in this enormous planet, unimportant to anyone. The sense of pride immediately vanishes and replaced with the once again- sorrow.

Without talking to anyone after the lecture, I quickly rushed to my bicycle and speeded back to my house. As I cycle back, the scenery of UTAR’s Westlake blurred by me through the tears that had welled up in my eyes.

I tried very hard to surpress them but to no avail. I could feel a drop of tear trickle slowly down my left eye, wetting my cheek.

Somehow before I reached my housing area, sudden realization sets in.

I’m no longer the once boy-Adrian who is easily influenced by friends and people around him. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself.

Because……

I’m already (in words) a man who has made a decision for himself.....

A man who knows what he wants in live and what he wants to achieve…..

A man for himself and no other…….



The sun disappearing down the horizon as I slowly pedal back………